Cunk on Eurovision: The Most Important Thing to Ever Happen to Europe, Probably

 

Hello, I’m Philomena Cunk. And today, we’ll be looking at Eurovision—the musical extravaganza that happens every year and is watched by millions of Europeans and Australians for some reason. Eurovision isn’t just a song contest. It’s a cultural phenomenon. And like most cultural phenomena, it’s both confusing and deeply upsetting.

What Even Is Eurovision?

Eurovision was invented in 1956, back when Europeans decided they needed a competition to determine who could sing the loudest while wearing the shiniest trousers. It’s like the Olympics, but instead of running and jumping, people stand still and shout in tune. Oh, and no one ever wins a medal. They just get a big glass microphone, which seems impractical because microphones are supposed to amplify sound, not shatter when you yell into them.

The idea was simple: bring Europe together through the power of music. Because nothing says unity like making countries compete against each other. That’s why Eurovision is both a celebration of peace and a war disguised as a talent show.

How Does It Work?

Every country sends a singer or group to perform a song. The songs are then judged by other countries, whose votes are based on a complicated algorithm of politics, geography, and how much they fancy the lead singer. The UK, for example, usually gets no points because everyone hates them for historical reasons.

The voting process is famously long and complicated. Each country announces its scores in a dramatic way, which is Eurovision's version of foreplay. The phrase “And twelve points go to…” has been said so many times it’s probably the first thing aliens will hear when they make contact with Earth.

The Songs: Good, Bad, and Terrifying

Eurovision songs are… unique. They range from catchy pop bangers to what I can only describe as noises that fell out of a keyboard someone sat on. For example, in 2006, Finland sent a band of monsters called Lordi, who looked like they’d escaped from a haunted IKEA. And they won! Imagine being so good at being scary that people forget you’re not singing a song but growling instructions for summoning demons.

Then there are the ballads. Eurovision loves a dramatic ballad—usually performed by someone standing on a tiny platform while pretending to cry. Sometimes they add wind machines, because apparently emotions are more believable when your hair is blowing in the wind.

Why Is Australia in Eurovision?

Great question. Australia isn’t in Europe, but they’ve been competing since 2015. It’s like if someone invited a koala to a penguin party—it doesn’t make sense, but everyone’s too polite to say anything. Apparently, Australia just really loves Eurovision. Which is odd, because Eurovision is the opposite of everything Australian. It’s indoors, it’s camp, and nobody’s holding a barbecue.

What Does Eurovision Teach Us?

Eurovision isn’t just about the songs. It’s about nations coming together and showing the world what they’re really about—by sending a person dressed as a milkmaid playing techno bagpipes. It’s about unity. It’s about love. It’s about fireworks, key changes, and questionable fashion choices.

And most importantly, it’s about proving that no matter how much Europeans argue, they’ll always be able to agree on one thing: giving no points to the UK.

That’s all for now. Next time, we’ll be looking at another baffling human invention: toast.